Finding your own style. Or not.

So ... basically, I'm stuck with my painting. Which is why I haven't been updating the blog, and why I've been keeping myself busy doing doodling challenges - like the alphabet handlettering challeng on IG. It's been fun and lettering is something I've always wanted to get better at but never got around to practicing. I got to do that now! But, to be honest, I used it more as a way of relaxation after a day of butting heads with the canvas - watercolour is good that way, it does most of the work itself, I can just sit there and watch the water pooling.
So what's my problem, then? 
My problem is that I've still to find my painting style.
Or maybe my problem is that I've evolved out of my old style and am now finding myself in between.
It's also a problem that in the process of losing my groove, I seem to have lost even the ability to paint and every thing I do comes out horribly ugly.
Adding to this list of issues, is the fact that I want it all; I like all types of painting styles and all sorts of art forms and I want to try everything. But not everything comes out the way I want it to, and even when it does, I do it once and I get bored. I often get bored. Or frustrated. Or maybe the two are the same? Either way, what I make is boring. Probably because I'm bored. Or boring.
And don't tell me something sensible like 'if you're bored, you're not busy enough' because no, it is quite possible to experience conflicting emotions, thoughts or opinions at the same time - while working your fingers off. And when you do, I don't know about everybody else, but I get stuck. 

Drawing is what I've got to fall back on when nothing else works, and that's nice; without exaggeration, I think I'd be in danger of losing a few marbles if I didn't have that.
So, with that in mind, here's the final question: to be or not to be? 
Should I give up painting and work exclusively on my beloved doodles? 
Or do I keep fighting something that I'll probably never win?
I actually already know the answer to that one, but only because I know myself enough to know that even though I may not have the resolve to stick to one thing and see it through, I am forever curious. I want to see everything, I want to understand, I want to experience the borders of somebody else's mind. 
In short,
I want all of it.
Even if it means tasting only a little of each.

Crossing my fingers and toes, hoping to find my way soon (or later, if must be); until then, you can always see my daily doodles on IG, or via the slideshow here to the right. Good night and dream wonderfully! :)


  1. "Between the idea
    And the reality
    Between the motion
    And the act
    Falls the shadow." T.S. Eliot

    Maybe you're in the between place, the shadow place as regards your painting right now. I love your doodle art.--its humor, its light, deft yet expressive touch--but I hope you persevere with your painting. I've not painted, really, so I feel shy putting in my two cents, but I think your paintings are beautiful. I'll bet you're on the cusp of a breakthrough of some sort . Blessings :)

  2. When I find myself in that kind of place, I think it's because I'm fighting what comes naturally to me because I want to do what someone else has done which I admire. I'm not them, so I can't do what they do. Your doodles are wonderful. Find a way to build on that. Push yourself to do new things, but know your core. Whatever you do, I think I'll always enjoy seeing it.